I woke up incredibly early yesterday and stared at the ceiling. My mind wonder off a thousand different directions. I had a flashback of my painful marriage, fears of what my daughter is currently going through, and swelling in my chest of what she reports she is going through. She is so sad there and feels like a prisoner. He won’t even give her her mail from all of the folks who are sending her love and support. What tyrannical behavior. Then I was hit with a thunderous jolt of all the things I have to get done this week. I watch the fan blades turn and turn. With each turn, there is a noise of vibration as I think the fan is a little loose. Bella started wagging her tail as she was happy to see someone in her doggie dream. I lay on my satin sheets and wonder if this is it.
What more can I do?
What more can I give?
I wonder if I have made enough of an impact or if I have to push harder.
Have I done my best?
The AC kicks on with a rattle and my bedroom curtains start to wave around as the air pushes them gently. That darn frog outside my window continues to croak like wet, squeaky shoes in the grocery store. The sky is slowly brightening but not awake just yet. The sound of rain hitting the skylight in the kitchen echoes throughout our large house. A large monster type truck drives by on his way to work. There is such peace at 3:30 in the morning. I know my body would love to sleep until 7 but that’s never been the way I work. I wake every single morning at 3:30. In Victorian times, it was called the second sleep. Most folks would get up and stoke the fire or do chores before heading back to sleep. Those of us who are believers in Spirit know that this is the best time for prayer and meditation. However, those of is who are safely snuggled into that perfect place know not to get up.
I am grateful for all those who send notes of love and remind me that I have helped them in some way. I hope that by sharing my experience, there is a strength offered to those who follow my journey. Life is beautiful even in the painful moments. So I lay there and wonder if this was my final moment how many “Ghosts” would surround me? I mean ghosts in the sense of all the things that I want to do, create and manifest that I have not yet? They will die when I do as they are my creations, dreams, and aspirations. I don’t want to leave anything undone, uncreated or unborn. My purpose is to create and to offer my creations to all of you. I know that very clearly otherwise we wouldn’t be going through this shit storm. My blog is now at 102 posts on 5 continents. How that happened I am unsure but I am surely grateful.
I was renewed in my faith and in my purpose. I regained my perspective that even though my garage needs to be cleaned out this weekend, Chloe’s bathroom tiles needs to be fixed: I need to try to get out and enjoy myself. Life is far too short to minimize my minutes in worry and fear. I can’t say that I am not afraid or worried. I am, especially for my daughter. I will say that I am correcting those moments with perspective. Fresh reflections from what could have been my death bed, metaphorically speaking. I refuse to eat up my valuable minutes on this planet by allowing others to suck my happiness away. I am here to be happy. To be loved and to love. I am here to explore this amazing universe and to delight in the knowledge that in that exploration I have found a unique part of my soul. My existence is flourishing from all that is revealed and all that is understood.
My gratitude lays in the fact that today I am a better version of myself than I was yesterday. My faith is in the knowledge it will get better and I am where I am supposed to be to learn whatever it is that I am supposed to be learning. My revelation is that I am far stronger than I ever knew and maybe much more loved than I ever realized. I am learning that even though right now, through this storm I feel I need to be walking my path alone, I am truly not as you are all there. Watching. Cheering us on. I am grateful that there are so many keeping their eyes on Chloe and supporting her through this time. Today, I would have to say that you are my inspiration to keep going and to push harder.
Today, I would have to say that you are my inspiration to keep going and to push harder. So, I suppose that’s when my feet finally hit the floor. I rose with new strength and that strength was to ensure my minutes are not wasted and that I have no “ghosts” floating around my death bed when that day comes.
Yes.
Let’s Create! Explore! Love and of course FIGHT for Justice.