Call me Ishmael. No Sherry. No, nope. Sam? Becky? Ok. Call me what you would like but here I am. Sitting in my car. Looking blankly at my future. Wondering where the fuck I am going. There are so many things going extremely well for us right now and yet….
I am in a rut and I am not.
I am in a perfect place of transition but my human EGO cant function. I have failed again. So beautifully this time as I did everything right and yet….nothing went well. I am left; once again in that damn personal ditch.
That fucking wet, dirty, smelly, Ditch I fell in a few years back. Jobless, homeless, and scared. However, this time I am not scared. Just confused. I was ahead on rent. I had a job that provided me more hours then I could work. All of a sudden. SHIFT HAPPENED.
The seat of my car is bumpy and uncomfortable. The car engine has a new ticking sound. My windshield wipers swipe back and forth. The rain comes down in a fury. NPR plays in the background like a muffled conversation. The echo of the rain hitting the car is loud. My car key broke AGAIN. I carry superglue like one carries their cigarettes. My car is on her final days and well? I need to save as much as I can to rent and yet we still have to survive day to day without a rental. Trust me on this factoid. It’s FAR MORE expensive to be homeless then the egregious rental costs. I want to cry but instead, laughter pours out of me. Tears of joy run down my face. Why?
Because it just IS what it is.
The Universe is pushing me out of all of these places to make me get back on track. Back to where I truly belong. Back to the Authentic Journey that is mine to endure. To express. To experience. I am being forced to SHIT or get off the damn pot. No cradles for me. I just need to pull up my big girl panties and make shit work.
The honest truth is? I wasn’t truly happy in that role nor am I thrilled about my landlord. So, I am not losing much out of this deal. Yes, it’s deeply uncomfortable and frankly very inconvenient but it is where we are. AND what can I do but move forward? This is the price that is paid when you are poor and you pay double when you are of the poverty mindset. Getting out of this ditch is hard as one wrong turn and oops!
Down you go again.
I feel like Ishmael in Moby Dick in the end when the whale finally takes him. He surrenders it all. Just allows it to bring him to the bottom of the ocean. There are no more chases nor battles. No one else to argue with. It’s just the water. The bubbles as he goes down. The temperature changes as he goes deeper and there is a knowing that this is the end.
I work a lot. I work overtime when I can. I just can’t seem to save enough to have a cushion. Once? I had a very nice cushion. 15K. I didn’t worry then. Now? I have $262 in my savings. That might go if this key keeps breaking. I shake my head as reality is? At least I have that. Although, it’s not 4K to put down on a house purchase nor on a rental. It’s still there. We are healthy. We are loved. We are happy. We are just inconvenienced.
The world is in an uproar. Fighting. Shootings are almost daily. The political climate sucks and is divisive. Folks are being torn apart over racist ideology and political blunders. There are children in cages being raped by the very people that are supposed to protect. The country is hitting its downward slope economically but some say we are “doing well”. Maybe? However, what goes up, must come down. Hence the recent decrease in the Federal Interest Rates. Its to slow the momentum down.
At least I have a little bit of savings, a car, happiness, and determination. I just got hired. That didnt take long. Folks are looking out for a space to rent. AND I am working on getting enough money to put down to own a house. Thats the ultimate goal as I am tired of renting and all that comes with it.
Until next time……
Living & Thriving with Rustie
2828 S Mccall Rd
Englewood FL 34224